The matatu 🚌 has hardly stopped when the conductor starts shouting, ” Watu wa Ronga mkuwe kwa mlango,hapa ndio mwisho wa gari”.How does he expect one to easily move from the back and jump from a moving vehicle?
I alight to some loud music from a movie shop beside the road.
The song playing gets me to stand and listen to the lyrics of the song.
The artist is male and from his voice he must be very dissaponted with the group of people he is trying to address.In this case,they’re men who are really throwing blows at his ego as a man.
🎶Hii ni ya wale wanaume wako na umama *2.🎶..ni mashosh,ni ma Aunty, ni mamboch🎶
( I can hardly translate the song without changing its very meaning since I don’t know the right word to use for “Umama”.)
The artist goes ahead to explain.
🎶Hii ni ya wale Wanaume hutembea na kioo na kujipaka lotion, 🎶hii ni ya Wanaume hushave eyebrows na kuweka make up🎶
I can’t help but break into a big laughter.
I mean,a guy walking around with a mirror in his shirt pocket? dude,you need a beating from your fellow male species.
I don’t look like a fool laughing all alone on the road since a number of people around also seems to have been listening keenly to the song lyrics.Some are holding their aching ribs from the good laugh.
A “nduthi” guy 🏍whistles my way.wait,who even put in these men’s head the idea of blowing whistles as a way of calling or getting a ladies attention?
The habit is irritating and disgusting and to save my female species from the effects of this annoying behaviour, this kind of men need a beating.A good beating.
Still,he pulls on my right even when he can read the clear irritation on my face.
Another “nduthi” guy 🏍 quickly pulls on my left side with too loud music from his bike.
What’s that smell?
The man smells like an excavated body.
I really don’t know what his reason for not taking a shower or changing his clothes before reporting to his work is.
I don’t want to imagine if he too has a wife and a bed he’ll get back to with that foul smell,all I know is that this kind of men..the one’s that evade the shower and for a day or two,put on the same shirt for days with accumulated sweat of a hard day at work..this men need a beating, a thorough beating.The ‘Nyahunyo’ beating.
“Madam kalia hii yangu ni kubwa hio na hio mwili yako hautatoshea”
He tries to coax me into using his bike and not the other guys.
Who in the world taught him courtesy in the first place?
I mean,I’m big,not big big but big enough to pay for a double sit in a mat.
Still, who addresses people by their body size? 🤔
Just because you have to go through a door sideways doesn’t make you a walking elephant,or be addressed like you’re a member of some “big three club” 😠
Respect men,respect else you get a beating because with such poor courtesy you deserve a classroom beating. Thick canes on your soft behinds. viboko tu, whack! whack! whack!
Ignoring both of them,I walk past them and go down a rough road that leads to my apartment.
My phone rings. It’s Shiro,my all time girlfriend.
I pick up.
“Imagine Brayo ameniabia Ati ananipenda vile anapenda Miriam! and he has the guts! Nkt!”
I almost stumble on a rock as I burst with laughter.
Brayo is her boyfriend and Miriam is Brayo’s Ex.
Unacheka nini wewe? ni serious!”
” pole Shiro,ni vile you sounded kama Slayqueen wa Westie”
I then burst into another big laughter that she joins me unwillingly.
Who on earth does that?. Where do you even get the guts to compare your woman with your ex right in her face!.
No,no.You just can’t hurt someone purposely and pretend it was a slip of the tongue!
let’s face it,how is she supposed to react?.🤷🏾
This kind deserves a chief barazas beating.The wazee kind of beating.
“Shiro, huyo Brayo anahitaji kichapo!”
I’m almost at my place,tired and hungry.
someone shouts my name.Not the kind of behavior I like but I try to look around to finder my caller.
“We ukitembea huangaliagi nyuma?”
It’s Amos,the guy next door.
we exchange the normal greetings and he says he’s rushing to pick his niece from school.
What madness is he potraying to the world?
I almost put my hands on my head in astonishment.🙆🏾
He’s wearing a Khaki trouser, very decent one. 👖
The trouser is way half his ass.Okay, maybe someone might try to understand his dropping trouser problem if he had no belt on it.
This one has a good belt on but well pulled to be in ppsition with the trouser somewhere below his ass.
The upper part,supposed to be covered by the trouser is instesd protected with a multi coloured type of clothing that he’ll definitely call a ‘boxer’
Knowing what a mans boxer should look like,I dont think this is one. Especially not with all the bright colors reflecting his entire behind like a walking rainbow.
“G unaangalia nini hivo”
I’ve been caught staring.
“haha, ni mse Fulani hapa nadhani anahitaji tu fimbo!
I take the bend and heave a sigh. Finally I’m home.
A man, old enough to be my grandfather emerges out of a butchery across the road and comes directly my way.
Just some few feet away from me,the man turns to face an electric pole.He unzip and absent mindedly begins to water the green grass with his sulphuric urine.
I’m so close and I dont know whether I should turn my face away or just face the reality of his nudity.
Done,he shakes of any left urine,places his pinus back in and zip up.
Like It never happenend,he hit the road almost colliding with me,face to face.
“Pole msichana wangu. Habari yako?”
He apologises stretching me a hand.
Man,you deserve the “Kofi za stima” kind of beating.
Kofi tu rap! rap!,rap! 👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾
“Mzuri tu” 😠
I grin,evading the handshake.
I’m up the staircase.
“Damn! watuwekee hapa lift”
I curse as I try to find my keys.
“Nimekwambia sina pesa wewe mwanamke”
That’s my neighbor Oti.
If he’s not drunk and waking up the whole neighborhood, he is abusing and beating up his wife Nduku.
“sasa unataka nipike karatasi? 🤷🏾♀ hakuna chakula kwa hii nyumba!”
Nduku follows him to the door almost in tears.
“unaniuliza maswali gani wewee mjinga? si utumie akili.”
“raap” 👋🏾a slap, “raaap” 👋🏾 another and descends on her with blows
Nduku runs and locks herself in the house as he throws abuses at her.
“wewe nawe unaangalia nini?”
Oti growls at me 😡
I’m not getting myself a free beating,so I quickly get in the safety of my house.
Inside I’m thinking, this one is way beyond beating.. he needs a mob justice from Nyeri women. A real mob justice!.
Do you think there are things men do that makes you think they deserve a beating?
Leave your view or comment.
let’s talk, one on one.