You’re in a bar and you’re drinking, why you don’t know and how you arrived at such a conclusion still remains a cloud of mystery. You see Jack entering with a friend and you drop him a quick “hey, how you doin’?” with the mere intent of being courteous but soon you both discover that the conversation is leading you nowhere so he sips your drink and heads for the counter. You lose sight of them after they pass a couple dancing and you return to your drink waiting for something spectacular to happen but as the night carries on, others around you seem to have a good time while keeping your eyes open becomes a tedious task, a load you’d wish to drop.
The DJ drops a beat which one of your roommates has as a ringtone and a couple heads to where you are. The lady seems worn off or at least her make up says so but she keeps twerking while the ‘gentleman’ enjoys the friction between his anterior and her posterior so much that every time she tries to rise up, you swear that he’s pushing her back down. Soon a group of rowdies break into a mini fight and they are sent outside by the management. So you decide to stay for a while but inside, you wish you were all cuddled up in bed and that you’d not wasted that 500 note on two beers and a ticket. A waitress comes to your aide and collects the bottles and then feeling no other internal struggle, you walk out of the bar.
So you head outside where the air is cold and not so dense and as you make your first steps, you notice the drinks which you’d thought a while ago were defective actually have a way of distorting your coordination, making it difficult for your brain to balance the random centres of gravity you’re body has been creating and then you get the courage to ask the question that’s eluded you your entire life: “Who am I?”
It seems a simple question but as you’ll soon realize the answers are blurry and to some extent incapacitating. It seems quite a rational argument that you should know who you are and what you stand for after all you’re in University but deep inside you know that if a stranger stopped and asked you: ‘What do you love the most about life?’ that you’d not have an answer. So you question the validity of you doing anything including pursuing a college degree and whether you’d deserve the right to live after all, you just blew away a 500 shilling note and for what?
You are a disgrace, you’ve said that to yourself and after a while of meditation, you’ve arrived at the conclusion that you’ll buy some powder to get you off your misery and give you the big break you’ve been waiting for but before you take it out on your roughly a 100 trillion cells which have no sentience whatsoever and no faculty or mechanism of making a choice, before you decide to increase entropy or charge the mortician with the task of removing your guts and handing data about your internal organs to a coroner, take a step back and think:
Why would a rational person charged by his genes to replicate see death desirable even when there is nothing so great to worry about? It might be that you’re hurt, that you’re eyes ache when no one is around to see them or you’re going through a crisis and in your head you keep on saying ‘It was not supposed to be this way.’ Or maybe its a dilemma and every possible solution you can think of have you thinking ‘Oh my God, I messed up, this is the end of my life.’ Or maybe you just realized that you’ve been playing something you’re not.
Perhaps you’re suffering from clinical depression which if you’re brain was placed in a PET scan would tell you that you’re as likely to make an irrational choice almost similar to a driver who just drunk six bottles of beer and accompanied it with a few kilograms of shisha. Or maybe there are some deeper psychological issues which a non-qualified individual can not even grasp or perhaps you’re just normal but everything seems to be happening so fast and spiraling out of control that every day seems like you’re living the life of another; whatever it is, don’t do it.
While we actually seclude ourselves from society and see ourselves as unique individuals, the truth is that there is no possible way to know whether or not our neighbors have a better life than us. We are a social species so we gravitate towards groups but still maintain our inherent personalities with a few tweaks once in a while. Perhaps if you swapped positions with the romeo at the bar, you’d hate the way his feet smell after dancing or maybe you’d see how many bad decisions he’d made, his sexual frustrations, his egotistic personality and you’d hate yourself (which you’d not be then) and then maybe you’d see how far you’ve come, how many struggles you battled along your way even when the whole world gave up on you and then you’d realize, your special, really really special.
So in a nutshell, your frustrated, the night is dark and you can’t see. You fear powering the flashlight on your phone because you’ve heard of many poor souls mugged around the area. You have the solution, its in your head. You know what you can do to make you feel better as a person. So what? You set a goal that you’d head for the gym but January seems to close and you’ve not seen its inside even once. Loose the fear, walk bravely into the night and if you raise your head a little bit higher, you’ll notice the lights coming from the hostels, you’re close to home, you can’t give up after all life is just a riddle and you can decide to be the riddler.