Straight Outta Slayqueen’s Journal: Five Ws in a SQ life

Wilson Muriuki
Written by Wilson Muriuki
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“Dear Morio,

Hide my name please PLS. I love readin’ your blogs n I’d want 2 share my sad ol’skul (2017 issa tbt) love story for other’s to learn a lesson too. Met tis hunk who’d call me all day like,duh!! He was F/H crushin’ on me… “ Well, I actually thought it was a 90’s oldschool telegram and what’s F/H? Trust me there isn’t a phrase like feet over head. Anyway, her profile picture is worth a buck, coz I know who photoshopped her on top of that yatch, LMAO!!

When it started

Ok, enough of hating and back to ka******, lets call her Queen.

She told me of her pre-slayqueen life. Of how she loved being addressed by her tribal name which means “last gem” as she told. Alcohol? She had never taken a sip before and knew it was fombe ya watu bure and a fuel for their alcohol stove; an 80’s gift to her grandpa from Sir. Granton the British farmer. Miniskirts? It was for the corporate ladies not her. She believed showing her knees or thigh was like ripping sepals from a budding flower. Sex? All she knew is of the dreaded tabia mbaya that was meant for procreation. She even told me of how she opted to carry her own juice in a bottle and food in a lunchbox to avoid overspending that she believed was luxury.

What happened?

Flash forward to 2017. She fell in love with a hardworking guy that had enough cash to spoil her weeks before her birthday. It was on that fateful night that she was reincarnated from the “last gem” to a slayqueen. She was baptized by whiskey and all she recalls amid crying emojis is how everyone wished her a good new year as they showered her with gifts.

  • TASHA-MHOT-KURUKA gave her an Amarula telling her that that liqueur is for queen, liquor for kids.
  • HAILLE-RASTA-FERARI gave her Johny Walker telling her it’s the fuel to walk the empowered talk.
  • SONIA-BABYGGIRL- gave her a sheesha pipe, not to siphon petrol but it’s the invitation card to parties.
  • MARIA-SANAMU-KIPENZI, ANITA-LOVERGAL-ULE-MLOYAL and the rest too had a thing or two for her.

Who’s responsible?

This dude had shown her a world she only heard off. He bought her clothes, took her out but had difficulties in recognizing her at times though. She had become an avatar and had a different set of clothes, accents and faces for different occasions. Though she used to dance to monophonic ringtones of her dad’s Nokia 1110 and knew the only voice records were the Safaricom’s voicemail services, she now owned a Woofer and did snapchats. Though she used to wear you-know-what that layered thick mistaking the tiny skinny girl with a thick lady, she now wore nothing but a dress, thanks to global warming and “my dress my choice”.

Physically, she is a girl but in the spirit realm, she is a mother of three aborted kids fathered by his hardworking guy.

Why breakup?

Fast forward to breakup drama. She discovered the hardworking guy was a carwash guy by night and cleaned the county toilets in the day. His dad had sold a plot to finance this guy’s rehab treatment in the city so he had cash to spend. She learnt the truth and called it quits. How can she be with such a lowlife guy? Like duh!!!!

Who’s next?

Well, she ain’t getting saved but looking for a better dude. Lesson from her? I don’t have, she’s still to send but guess she ran out of credit.



About the author

Wilson Muriuki

Wilson Muriuki

I write for fun :)
When I grow up, I want to be a chef
so that my writing style will be my
signature dish.,Santa, I got two
more wishes left!!

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