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Thousand ways to survive!……….#In The Exam Room

Kelvin Arap
Written by Kelvin Arap
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Exams is tomorrow?……You know nothing! Tension is now the next ruler that even your immune system accepts the defeat to tackle. It’s a common symptom for the well known “Exam Fever ” Alas! Here in JOOUST, so called anthem, “Mtaka cha mvunguni, sharti ainame” , is nolonger a threat but only for those who sang the discord slogan, “Asiye sikia la mkuu…..Humadwa na Matiang’i”. I do believe that the likes of this generation of Freshers have not adjust their hot spot.

I took a research under the shades of this case with my common colleagues. Anyway my experience is quite pathetic at sometimes, and here is the reason behind it;

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My life in campus is usually all cake and candy until a lecturer announces the date for the first C.A.T and I know that here comes the start of sleepless nights and serious cramming .Don’t get me wrong,I don’t shy away from hard work its only that I have never liked cats, whether a cat on paper or a meowing cat .I just don’t like them.

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There was this one time I was walking towards a CAT’s venue and my head was saturated with formulas and usually when I am in such a state I avoid conversations and rigorous activity lest the formulas start dancing in my head and get all mixed up.I was now 5 minutes late since the venue had been changed to some other place unknown to me.I got to the venue and the only place left was at the back of a room behind a big- boned guy.I didn’t mind the sitting position and so I slid into the chair and did what I do best, struggle to keep my crap together.

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I looked around for a while and as usual, the alpha team had seen it wise to deploy themselves at a corner in front of the room and a jet fighter formation had already been put in place ready to annihilate their enemy, the CAT. This group has the most efficient teamwork you can find in class and outsiders are NEVER welcome. They tag-team through every CAT and exam.

There are numerous alpha teams in the room and they are all praying and hoping that the lecturer doesn’t shift anyone since it will mess up the formation and it will be even worse if the leader of the team is shifted and the rest of the crew will be left looking at each other since reality has dawned on them that WINTER IS COMING bcoz they are all Jon Snow in matters concerning the CAT (they know nothing).

On my far left is another crew, the Scofield crew.This is an elite squad of academic tattooists.They are exceptionally gifted with small handwriting which comes in handy when going about their academic art. They tattoo the sides of their fingers and even with open palms, you can’t see any evidence of cheating. They tattoo the back of their calculators, their chairs and the walls around them. They survive on skill and talent.

There is, however, one major challenge they face…CAT venues often change and that is when you see a guy carrying a chair from one building to another that is almost a kilometer away without feeling its weight because he literally has his academic future in his hands. Worse still, CATs get postponed and they have to wash off their artwork.

There is another category, The Worriers. This group is never sure about themselves. They worry too much. They constantly refresh what they have been studying. Then there is the “wacha ikam vile inadai” kind of guys. I’m not a normally praying boy , but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman! Whether they have studied or not, beach .it doesn’t faze them even a bit and they are ever cool like they are relaxing in Usenge Beach.

Then there are the “El solo lobos” -The lone wolves. Whether by nature or experience, this group have learn that the only person they can trust or rely on in such situations is themselves. It’s not that they are overconfident, it’s just that they don’t see it wise to put their academic fate in another person’s hands and that’s why they only have themselves.

Then there is me.I don’t know how to describe myself but at this point, we were already 20 minutes into the CAT. I had hit a speed bump in the cat and I wasn’t sure which formula exactly would be helpful in that question. I looked around hoping that it would magically come to my head and as usual, it never did. I was leaning forward to continue with the mental torture served before me when I noticed the guy in front of me was up to something. He was staring into nothingness with his pen sitting idle in his mouth.He was motionless, his weight was resting on his left butt cheek and his right ass cheek was in the air inclined at an angle of approximately 30°.

At this point in time, I knew I was done for. This was the ancient stance that was invented in the days of Genghis Khan which was purposely intended for the concentration and focusing of CHI to the lower parts of the torso.The guy in front of me had mastered the ancient art and he was now about to knock me the hell out. I hadn’t even shaken off the sheepish surprise look on my face when he finally breathed quietly with the wrong end of his body and immediately went back to solving the questions as if he had had a eureka moment and had figured out all the solutions. This nigga must have eaten all the zombies in Michael Jackson’s music video THE THRILLER for lunch.His fart almost killed me but luckily I survived but lost all the formulas I had crammed.

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How was I going to explain to my clansmen that I failed because a guy who expressed his exam anxiety by propelling gas from his posterior end and erased all the formulas from my mind??…I always thought Aang’ had been the last air bender but here I was seated almost unconscious behind a guy who had mastered the ancient art of air bending. Fare thee well exams…..

In exams, we look up for Inspiration, down for Desperation, left and right for Information. To be continue………

About the author

Kelvin Arap

Kelvin Arap

“Think big and don’t listen to people who tell you it can’t be done. Life’s too short to think small.”

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